Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
pop tarts are not kleenex
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
