we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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