pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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