why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
