ya dads aren't the best wingmen
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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