Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
