Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
