i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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