he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
