i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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