Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
