just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
