Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
