Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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