If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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