am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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