The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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