Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
