Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
