I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
