I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
