I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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