Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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