I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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