i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
In other news, I just burned my penis
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
