Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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