Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
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Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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