so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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