My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
