Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
