I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
