I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you traded sex for a burrito?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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