Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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