Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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