Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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