What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
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