Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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