I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
