I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
