My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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