So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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