yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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