So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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