you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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