I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
