omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
