new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
