Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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