So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
