yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
