That's when you crack a 10am beer
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
