Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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