Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Randomize
