Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
a search helicopter?!
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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