Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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