your parents love me but you hate me
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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