I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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