P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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