How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
