Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
